BLESSINGS often come disquised as hardships.

GOOBER MEDICAL TERMS

Benign.........................What you be after you be eight.
Artery.........................The study of paintings.
Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section...............A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her.
Colic..........................A sheep dog.
Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D&C............................Where Washington is.
Dilate.........................To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.........................A small lie.
Genital........................Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series.....................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.......................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain.....................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff..................A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node...........................I knew it.
Outpatient.....................A person who has fainted.
Pelvis.........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.................A letter carrier.
Recovery Room..................Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.........................Darn near killed him.
Secretion......................Hiding something
Seizure........................Roman emperor.
Tablet.........................A small table.
Terminal Illness...............Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..........................More than one.
Urine..........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose.......................Near by/close by


"What's your problem?" asked the psychiatrist.
"It may not be a problem, but I think I'm a horse" says the patient.
"Yep, that's definitely a problem. It will take time to cure you -
and it won't be cheap.
" "I'm not too worried about the money. I just won the Kentucky Derby."

You might be a teacher if..
You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to have all your holidays and summers free.
You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "shallow gene pool" should have it's own box on the report card.
When out in public, you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.
When you mention "vegetables" and you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You can't have children of your own, because there is NO name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
Meeting a child's parents INSTANTLY answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

CHURCH
About 10 o'clock one cold February morning a man was in bed sound asleep. His mother came into the room.
"Son, it's time to get up. You gotta get ready for church." She implore "I'm too tired. Leave me alone," he said.
"Son, you gotta get up and get ready for church."
I"m not going to church. Give me one good reason why I have to go to church," he protested.
"I'll give you two good reasons: one, it's Sunday and two, you're the Pastor!"

DON'T BITE YOUR NAILS

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga.
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite my toenails instead.

BLONDE
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"